lessons from the cows....and Oswald Chambers

In the 3 months I've been back, I have returned to my relief milking work with mixed feelings. Part of me loves being back out on the farms, doing a simple (yet secretly complex) job that is finished when I leave, and makes me feel I've achieved something with my day. But part of me feels I'm wasting time out there by myself, as I'm not really helping anyone. 

However, I can't really justify this feeling - God uses all situations to teach us something new, and I want to share a simple observation that anyone who's milked cows takes for granted (and is often irritated by!)...I just love how the Lord of all creation speaks through tiny everyday occurrences and brings vibrant colour and joy to something that is otherwise a source of annoyance and gloom!

For those of you who haven't ever been in a modern milking parlour, let me give you a visual of the most common type, called a herringbone parlour: there are 2 floor-level platforms where the cows file in, usually 8, 10, or 20 a side, and a sunken pit in the middle where the milker stands. The milker has control of the front and back gates, and there is also often a feed computer which will dispense the correct amount of cow nuts (or "cake" as the dairy industry calls it) into each cow's feed trough. So, the first part of the milking routine is the milker opening the back gate, the first cow coming onto the platform, and the milker punching the cow's number into the feed computer so her feed will pour down into the first feed trough. As the second and third cows come in, the milker can see their numbers and also enter them into the computer, and so the line of cows are fed as they enter the parlour, before their teats can be cleaned and the milking units put on.

Some cows are either keen to be milked or very trusting - they know the feed is coming, so they march straight in and wait at their trough til the feed appears. But some hang back until they can hear feed falling down into the troughs, which is highly annoying as it slows down milking when you have to wait for cows to make up their minds to come in, and even more so if you have to constantly scramble up and down the steps at the back of the parlour to push the cows in yourself! One day I was struck by how close a resemblance this bears to us humans - isn't it often the case that we don't want to trust God's provision until He's proven Himself? I need to be more like those cows with faith - the ones who subconsciously know the routine, that cake comes every time they're in the parlour, so it's ok to go on in. After all, God has never failed me yet - so why do I have such a hard time trusting Him?

As for what this all has to do with Oswald Chambers...I've been dipping his daily devotionals, "My utmost for His highest", and every time I've read one day's comment, the message has been the same: to find God in every mundane part of life and share the experience with Him, rather than keeping Him separate in the "spiritual box" of quiet times and church, and to daily let Him take control of everything. It's something I find so hard - I like to think that once I've learnt to surrender something to God, that's it, job done - and I don't notice that I've gradually taken control of it and made it into "my" thing again. I think I'm slowly learning the bigger lesson, that the more I learn about Him, the more there is to learn...the bigger in size He appears to me, the more He keeps growing. I thought that all I had to surrender were my plans for my future - the location I'll be in, the work I'll be doing, the people I'll be near, the family I hope to have...and yet I now realise that even though I might have surrendered those things yesterday, I need to also consciously do the same today. I need to tell Him that I had my own ideas about what I wanted but that He has ultimate control and I would rather do His will than have any of those things, and I need to tell Him that every day - just like the proverb says, "we can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps". (Proverbs 16:9, NLT)

When the door closed for me to join YWAM in Austria, I knew I needed to seek God and figure out where I'd gone wrong in my pursuit of what I'd thought was His vision...and He explained to me exactly how I'd set my own agendas above His original plan for me, and limited the vision. Even now, as I'm working on a new route to the vision for Austria, I need to keep placing it in His hands and not seize control of it myself.

As for finding God in the mundane everday events of life, I think my little cow anecdote describes it perfectly...and yet I'm sure, if I really kept my eyes and ears open, I'd have many more stories to tell of how He met with me in the ordinary.

Uganda debrief begins...

I've been back home in Sutton for just over 2 weeks now, and am slowly beginning to process what happened over the last year. I feel like I was never fully able to put into words exactly what I was feeling and going through for much of my time out there - sometimes because I couldn't figure it out myself - sometimes this was because I didn't want to, I didn't want to face whatever it was that I was struggling with.
Last night I was mulling over something our Assistant Pastor said in church the other week, about identity - it really struck me as something I thought I'd learnt during my time in Uganda...I thought I'd successfully found my identity in God out there due to all other aspects of my normal earthly identity being stripped away. Out there, all things familiar were missing - family, friends, church, job, surroundings, language (most Ugandans do speak English, but a very different version than we do! and i felt a pressure to learn the local languages, which seemed impossible)...the way they did simple everyday things like cleaning and cooking were so alien and difficult to master. Even the hot, muggy climate and the skirts we had to wear were a real challenge. And I felt useless, spoilt, a horrible overprivileged westerner. And yet, despite feeling like a lone person stranded on a weird island with nothing to do, no clue of how to act or be remotely useful, God was still with me. He still desired my company and He still loved me. I think, in those moments, that I had a true glimpse of what it means to be a child of God, what it means to cling to Him because there's nothing else. But I didn't like what it took to get me there!!
Although initially I began to find my feet and learn this new way of life, and to see the culture and the people through God's eyes, appreciating all the differences and accepting them, valuing them, was a constant effort. After DTS was over, I was so exhausted and just wanted to give up for a while, to turn inwards and create my own little world where nothing was required of me and I could just rest and be alone. Ultimately, I became selfish. I rejected the culture, believing my own western way of life was superior and looking forward to coming home because that's where church was done "properly", where people behaved "acceptably", spoke English the "right" way...I didn't want to make the effort in appreciating the variety of God's creation, I just wanted to go home. I thought I was doing the right thing in staying, knowing that God had called me to spend a full year there - but I didn't face up to the fact that He hadn't called me to just be there and do the bare minimum - He wanted me to experience Ugandan life in all its fullness, to see their way of life through His eyes and love it with His heart. I missed out on so many things that He wanted to offer me, just because I thought I knew best and wanted an easy life. Instead of enjoying more time getting to know the people around me, and investing in them fully, I craved the hours I could spend with my nose in a book, or watching a movie...and I craved junk food more than ever, especially peanut butter - of all the ridiculous things to become addicted to, why that, i'll never know!
I even learnt about escapism and addictions as I had the privilege of attending some of the Addictive Behaviour Counselling School's classes as training for the prostitute ministry I was part of. And yet, I chose to love my sin and reject God - instead of coming to Him with my burdens, and accepting His rest as He asks us to in Matthew 11:28, I chose to go to my fictional worlds and my comfort food, which are in no way adequate gods!
Ultimately, I failed in so many aspects of my year's mission - I'd gone out there with the goal of learning instant obedience, and of allowing the Holy Spirit more of my heart so He could heal the pain I still feel from the loss of my sister. Instead, I hid behind my pain and used it as an excuse - when most of my struggles were never really to do with Eli anyway, they were to do with my own selfishness and lack of willingness to put God first and do His will when He asked more difficult things of me. I might have learnt to surrender more of myself during the first 5 months, but when I became tired I gave up and never fully repented - never completely turned my heart around and genuinely wanted to come back to Him.
But I wanted to share all this because I believe God wants us to be real, and open ourselves up to expose all the cracks that we cover up so well. Everyone thinks I did amazing things out there in Uganda, and maybe I did let God use me a bit, maybe I did touch some people's lives, but I know that ultimately it was a real struggle and that I failed - that I am a weak human being and not a hero by any stretch of the imagination. And I wanted to use this experience to testify that our God is still a God of second chance, who loves us so much that even when we fail catastrophically, He provides a way out. I have failed miserably, yet I now have another chance to learn from these failures and try again - to assess what went wrong and try to avoid it next time. As much as I love my pride and hate admitting my weaknesses, I have a chance to open myself up and expose them, to tell those who know me that yes, I had a peanut-butter addiction and yes, I am ridiculous but at least I have killed off some of my pride by admitting to that, and God still loves me and I won't feel like a fraud anymore by hiding my flaws.
And although I thought I'd figured it all out, that I'd finally learnt how to ground my identity in my Maker, it turns out that I'm still only a step along the journey. When I first came home I felt so weird, like a non-person who had no character of their own, because I felt defined by the person I was and the things I'd been doing in Uganda. It wasn't until I got my car back, went back to work and had some freedom and somthing useful to do again that I felt I could connect with God and be grateful. So I've now come to realise that too much of my identity is still in what I do, where I belong on Earth and who likes me. And I can never be truly useful to God if I cling to that too tightly - I will never fully surrender myself to Him and allow Him full rein to work through me if I look to the things around me instead of into His face.
So here I am, starting again. And I will continue to fail, to start again, to grow in this painful process until my time on Earth is done. But that's ok. I think I'm ready again!

final final news...

i'm sitting in the internet cafe in kampala's "garden city" - we've just had pizza and seen a movie and lauren is printing off her flight ticket. and the internet is really fast, so i can finally post up last week's email just in case anyone ever reads this still...can't believe i'll be home in 2 nights and a day!!!

email from last Thursday:
So, I have changed my final nappy, cleaned up the last of the vomit (although my skirt still smells) and am almost packed up and ready to head back to Jinja tomorrow. I can't believe it's only a week and a night til I get home!!! All that's left to do now is say my goodbyes, do some shopping and eat nice food...and attempt to fit everything back into my suitcases. So much has happened here at Amecet over the past 7 weeks - babies have come and gone, we've had Penny, Kerryn and the Tongans come up from Jinja, we've had countless sicknesses including 3 of us getting malaria...and amongst the children, health has also become more of an issue. In my last email I said I often forgot that the kids are here because they're sick, but it's become evident now! Not only have we had fevers run through most of them, but there are one or two who needed more urgent attention. We have a 2-year old boy named Dennis who is something of a concern anyway, as he hasn't eaten in the whole 5 months he's been here (he's being tube-fed, but Els says she's never had a child remain on a tube for half so long before) but he was one of the worst-affected by fever, and then suddenly had his glands swell up almost overnight, so was taken to the doctor's for surgery. He seems to be doing fine, but it was scary to have something so serious happen in our otherwise pretty healthy "family"! Mattias is the other worrisome boy - he's a 2 or 3-month old baby who was doing really well until his skin started getting dry...and then it started peeling around his face and upper body, while his arms and legs began to look like elephant's legs. Despite our covering him in lotion several times a day, it got so bad that his face was so tight he couldn't suck his bottle properly, and he really looked like a mummified baby. Thankfully, he's been prescribed some steroids and antibiotics which seem to be helping, and we've been smearing him with vaseline every 2 or 3 hours, so he looks alive and well again - his face seems to have proper new skin now, and looks good! When I came here I expected the kids to be sick most of them time, but now I realise I'm glad they're not - i just couldn't cope with it! Last week, when they all had fevers, was one of the most heartbreaking - there was no way to stop them from crying, and I wished I could take it away for them. I can;t even imagine what it's like to have my own kids fall sick - it's bad enough with these that I've only known for a few weeks! I've thoroughly enjoyed my time here, hard as it's been - the occasional days that I felt well gave me a glimpse of how much fun it can be taking care of kids, and the other times just reassured me that it really isn't what I want to do...if for no other reason, then because they give you every virus known to man : )And I've learnt a lot more about God from these kids. The thing that sticks most in my mind is the lesson about patience - one time I was feeding a baby who was yelling and yelling for his milk, but it was too hot - and although he didn't know it was coming, I knew it would burn his mouth if I gave it to him too soon. It struck me that I'm often like that - demanding answers and things in life in my own timing, when God knows that it'll be so much better for me if I just wait til the time's right - which is not for me to know. I just hope my hands don't have to smell of baby vomit for me to remember that... And now, dear friends, I bid you goodbye - or "welaba" in luganda...until i see you all a week or so from now!!! Thank you again for all your support and encouragement this year - I still can;t believe I've been away for so long,that i actually survived it and that i really am coming home so soon...hurrah!

bye bye babies!

Today I got to join Els (the leader of Amecet) and two other staff, Simon and Esther, as we delivered the twins, Ben and Calvin, back home. It was "deep, deep in the village" - more than an hour away from the home, along ever-narrowing tracks - I'm used to walking along windy footpaths in villages, but taking an SUV along them was interesting to say the least! I was a bit concerned when the road narrowed to half the width of our vehicle, but Els assured me that wasn't narrow yet...and we literally did drive "along" 4-inch wide footways!
we had an amazing reception there - we'd found the twins' dad at his church, and most of the rest of the congregation hopped in the back of the truck so there were about 30 people sitting around under the trees by the little round mud-huts (finally, some REAL african houses : )
passing the boys round and watching Els talk to the dad. Then they gave us the classic Ugandan gift of a live animal - a turkey this time - who is happily gobble-gobbling his way around the compound now. I just loved the excitement that the whole village shared at the twins' return - they don't even live that close together - the huts we went to are only for the dad, his other children, his parents and a few students who stay with them, and there were no other huts to be seen - they were probably a field or two away. I felt a bit bad that I'd been able to spend all day every day with these babies for the past few weeks and hadn't appreciated a minute of it - they were kind of hard to feed at times, and when they vomited or pooed, they really meant it...but now these random villagers were beside themselves at just being able to see them.

Not only did I get to be part of all this, but I also missed the usual feeding, changing, playing, blah blah blah....all in all it was a good day!

No pictures of Ben and Calvin I'm afraid, but let's see if this picture of one of my favourites, Godfried, will make it onto the page...

RIP Margaret

just a follow-up to Margaret's story - she passed away in the early hours of the morning. it's so sad that she never got to experience much of life, but then again, maybe it's a blessing in disguise - she won't have to endure years of suffering on this earth, and is having a great time up in heaven already! thanks to everyone who prayed, your support is greatly valued.

yesterday's email...

nothing's changed, i'm still a lazy so-and-so and am just posting yesterday's group email here for those who aren't on the email list...

I'm coming to the end of my third week at Amecet now, and feel like i've been doing this job forever! the kids are all so used to having new faces come and go that they take no time at all in adjusting to a new "auntie" and it's kinda fun having the toddlers zoom along on their hands and knees in the bid to climb on my lap...most of the time everything goes so well that i forget the kids are here because they're all sick. the biggest reminder is the skin complaints that a few of them have, but this week there's been a worse than usual cold going through everyone - all the staff have had it, and a lot of the babies have been coughing and crying more than usual. the tiniest baby, margaret, who isn't from an hiv family but has down's syndrome, has been the worst-affected. right now, she's in the hospital room on an oxygen machine as she's been gasping for breath all afternoon. her heart is pumping like crazy and the doctor wasn't very optimistic...please pray if you can. i hate to admit that i''m still not much of a baby fan - these weeks of bottle-feeding and nappy-changing have only proved what i've always said, babies aren't cute, they're hard work - but little margaret is just so tiny, i hate to see her struggling for life. in general, i'm just tired! i have a day off tomorrow, which should help - we work in shifts with an average of one day off per week, although it's only been 5 days since my last day off and then i have another 4 before katy and i go back to jinja for our friends' graduation and a break! The shifts run 7am-3pm, 1pm-9pm and 6pm-8am, so we always have some time off in the day. It's only 8 hours at a time but it feels like forever!! the work is incredibly monotonous, which i think is what makes time pass so slowly - i miss the variety of the work i used to do! however, it is a slight improvement on making necklaces and visiting people i can't make conversation with...2 of the toddlers here, Emma and David, have a fun debate of "da?" "da." "da!" which i can at least join in with : ) not long til i'm back to pester you all!! 4 1/2 weeks and counting...trying not to, but it can't be helped...

6 weeks to go...

this is me trying not to count down the days...but I think it's always harder when the end is in sight! the last 2 weeks have gone by quite fast, considering the struggle it was to get used to the changes in environment, people and work while fighting off a cold and then a tummy bug...let's just say they weren't the most enjoyable weeks of my time in Uganda. But the people here are great - we just said a sad goodbye to Kerry from Cork (Ireland) who came to the end of her time here yesterday. There's still one more muzungu besides Katy and me - a girl from Virginia called Lauren who got here a couple of weeks before us, and was a great help in getting started...has anyone seen me with a baby before?! thought not...that's because i was terrified of them til now - and while i wouldn't say i've learnt to love them, i can at least bottle-feed and change nappies without being in constant fear of killing them in one breath! the kids here are really anything but delicate - i haven't yet got comfortable with carrying them by the customary one arm, but it doesn't bother me now to hear them scream about a slight bash - they quite often scream for no apparent reason anyway, so i know now that whatever happens, they'll get over it : )
if only i could get photos up on here...there's one boy, david, who's just hysterical - whenever he's particularly happy or excited (when a new person comes in, or he sees food...) he sticks his tongue right out and squeals! and mealtimes are a generally entertaining time (as long as you avoid the food + drink that finds it way everywhere but their mouths) as the terrible threesome (Godfried, David and Emma) engage in a thrilling debate of "da?" "da." "da!" makes a change from "how are you?"" "fine.""how is here?""fine.""how is there?........" i can tell you!

there are 9 babies and 6 toddlers here, and they keep the 20 or so staff running around 24/7...we have 3 shifts, 7am - 3pm (A), 1pm - 9pm (B) and 6pm-8am (D). So every day we get some time off! The only difficult shifts are the night shift followed by a B and then an A - it seems like the inbetween times are barely enough to catch up on sleep! i do quite like the night shift though - the toddlers are safely tucked away, so all we have to do is feed babies and watch movies...we usually have power and there's a tv with dvd and video machines! it's a harsh environment indeed...

i do have a newfound respect for parents and anyone who's involved in childcare now - kids are hard work, not just because of the constant need to be on your toes, but because of the sheer monotony of the tasks...give me cows anyday!

Back to the grindstone

It almost seems like last week didn't happen now - today was so normal, it's odd to think that this time last week I was chatting away to some Leeds medics I met in the hostel in Kampala, excited about the prospect of actually going on safari!

The trip itself was pretty amazing - we saw everything, from birds (Uganda's national bird, the crested crane, and also some neon-bright red, blue and yellow small birds) to small mammals like baboons, warthogs and different deer and antelope species, to the big ones - we saw lots of giraffes, buffalo and hippos, a few elephants and even lions! No prizes for guessing which were my favourite....i just loved the way that wild buffalo behave EXACTLY the same as domestic cattle - whether we were in a car or on a boat when we passed them by, they stopped what they were doing to stare blankly at us until we'd gone. I wondered if it was us humans who were on safari, or the buffalo! Most of the animals were happy to look at us and allow us to take their photos when we stopped, and some of the giraffes even came up to the car and stood to pose for us - I always thought of them as aloof and serene in zoos, but somehow expected them to be a bit scattier in the wild!

What made the whole safari trip even better was getting to share it with Katy, her mum and sister, and Kerryn who's sorting out the accounts at the national office - it was great to get to know Katy's family a bit, and to spend more time with Kerryn - she's even more fun than I realised, she did my "funny run" with me!!! (if you don't know what that is yet, i challenge you to join in with me in my hyper moods - it's been a while since i found someone to do it with me!) We all stayed in Kampala an extra night after we got back, and saw Indiana Jones at the cinema - bit of a weird jump from the heart of Africa back into the western world in the space of one day!

The animal adventures continued as I caught up with the DTS team in Mbarara - Guy and Penny, 2 of my friends, decided on the spur of the moment to buy two chicks from the brood they'd seen just down the road from their house, and within 20 minutes all the girls were cooing over Cleopatra and "Men" as the babies were interestingly named (apparently one looks like an Egyptian Pharaoh but is too feminine to have that name, and the name "Men" came from what Geoffrey calls Guy instead of "Man"...i'm sure i've just made that clear as mud to you all :-p ) If only I hadn't lost my camera cable, then I could upload the photos...sadly, it's one of the most exciting things that's happened recently!!

I really didn't want to go back to Mbiko today and have to carry on as normal, but it was quite a fun day in the end - I think I'm getting used to my celebrity muzungu status, and it's almost normal now to be randomly invited into someone's house for a soda and biscuits/cake (even though the only person who gets to eat and drink is the guest, and the others sit around watching your every move as if you're some fascinating new species) I'm definitely glad it's only another 2 or 3 days of ministry here, as I'm quite tired of it all now and am ready to move on....Soroti here we come!!!

Snakes in the bed!!

Ok, so I'm being overly dramatic...but we had a bit of an exciting day on Saturday when Rachel came back from her holiday week in town - she saw a long, thin green snake disappearing under our locked door and into our bedroom! Our friend John was luckily around, and he spent a good half hour poking through everything (and I mean everything...it took much longer than that half hour to put things back again...) with a mop handle, but even after lifting off the sheets from the beds, pulling out everything from under the beds and shelves and poking through the stuff inside my suitcases, he couldn't find it...so he proceeded to light a fire on the floor to smoke it out. So now we had a snake AND a fire in our room. Great! It did work though - it came out and he caught it climbing up a bookshelf....turns out it was a green mamba. Just as well Rachel was there to see it come in - no matter how harmless they are when you leave them alone, I'm not sure it would have been so much fun to wake up with it under my pillow!

That was my exciting story for the week - I'm afraid life really isn't that interesting all the time! I spend a lot of time asking myself why I'm here when I don't seem to be doing much, and things finally came clear enough to put into words when I read an old email from one of my friends just an hour or so ago (sorry to all of you whose emails are still lying unread in my inbox...I found a load from Feb and have read most of those now, but then I found a few more from September!!! oops...)

I think so many people are really challenged by those of us who are "brave" enough to venture into Africa, Asia or some other third world place. You might think we're doing these amazing things, but in reality all we're doing is living life in the place we've been called to - yes, there are some amazing things we get to see and exciting experiences we get to have, but we're no better people than the rest who stay home! It's not only the overseas missionaries who are living their lives for God - every Christian is witnessing to those around them in the place God has positioned them, whether that's the town they were born in, or an unexplored rainforest. When I look at my life here, I see days filled with boring meetings, making necklaces and fighting with computers...and evenings of washing up, playing cards, reading or watching a movie. Sound familiar?! Life is just life wherever you are. But if that's what God has told me to do, it's enough! That's what it always comes back to - I just have to do what He tells me to do, nothing more, nothing less. Even Jesus said that He did nothing other than what the Father told Him to do. We were reminded of that as a base, when we had some teaching on intercession a couple of weeks ago. Even in intercession, we should only pray for whatever God wants us to pray for - so much of the time we waste our efforts praying for things we feel we should pray for, and we can get just as overwhelmed by all the need for prayer as we do by all the physical need there is in the world. But if we just ask God what He wants us to pray for, He'll tell us! Now, why can't I just remember that more often? I'd save myself a lot of stress and unnecessary worrying that i'm not doing enough or not praying enough if I remembered that all God wants of me is that I act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with Him. 

What an exciting life I lead...

Hmm, strange - having wasted over an hour doing very simple things on the internet, this blog site is now being unusually fast and cooperative...and it's usually this page that gives me the most trouble!
My biggest news today is that I FINALLY finished the WAR Ministry newsletter...it's only taken 3 months. Oh how exciting my life is - I sometimes wonder how many of you think of me as doing amazingly exotic and wonderful things out here, and yet I spent all morning in much the same way as most of England, staring in frustration at a computer screen and wishing the stupid machines had never been invented (although I am now extremely grateful for this one, as it means I can contact home...!)
Actually, I do have slightly more interesting experiences than the more mundane side of things. This weekend I went to Wobulenzi, my friend Peace's hometown which is an hour out of Kampala (which direction, I couldn't tell you) down a horribly potholed road- I think I felt more sick from the constant swerving to avoid the holes than I would have done if we'd just hit them all! It was definitely an experience...and one i'm glad is now behind me : )
We spent the morning in Kampala visiting our friend Vicky from Tanzania, the eldest daughter of the pastor we worked with when we did our outreach there. It was good to catch up with her again, and see her school there...students here definitely have a different experience from those at home! There were only 2 classrooms, big barn-like rooms crammed with desks, and her dorm had 3 bunkbeds in a space the size of a small double bedroom (pretty much the size of my room in Coldharbour, which was literally big enough for a double bed, desk, wardrobe and chest of drawers with a tiny walkway inbetween)...and they only get lunch provided, so they have to cook their own dinner and breakfast if they want it! Latrines and showers are in a small block that you reach by a muddy pathway inbetween the kitchen building and some other dorm buildings. There are posher schools, of course, but I think this one is probably fairly normal for the average student - all kids can cook from a young age, and many people only eat one meal a day anyway. A far cry from the luxuries we take for granted.
We then spent the afternoon walking round Wobulenzi and meeting all Peace's friends there - it was great to see how many lovely people she knows and who are all supportive of her, and to have some familiar faces smiling at me in church the next day! I had to "preach" (although i use the term loosely - it's definitely not one of my gifts) and was relieved when it was all over - that was the last of my commitments, and i can now retire as a "preacher" and hide in the safety of the rest of the church once more!

It's not long now til I move on from this place - Katy and I are planning to go up to the Soroti base, northeast of here, in June for our last 6 weeks or so. They have a respite home and a hospice for HIV kids there, and hopefully we can be of some help. It'll be a welcome change in many ways - both of us are getting really tired of here - mainly in ministry, because neither of us are particularly happy or fulfilled in what we're doing, but I think we're stagnating and need a total change of scenery and people. So that's really something to look forward to! Katy's dad is visiting her this week - he arrived on Friday but I haven't met him yet, since they stayed at Kingfisher resort all weekend. Then Katy's mum and sister are coming out later in May, and that pretty much fills her time til we move on!
The ABC school are doing some of their outreach in Mbiko, so as of May 12th we have a busy schedule with them. I need to make the most of the next couple of weeks of relative quiet before it all gets going! DTS are also leaving for outreach on May 12th, so things will change hugely - with 36 students and 8 staff, they make up more than half of the base!

I think that's all the news for now - my Gran seems to be doing well, for those of you who may be wondering...so life is pretty good today. And I even have time to relax this evening! I really can't complain : )
Hope the rest of you are well...bye for now!

Happy Birthday to me : ) ....and the rest of Hopeland!!

Wow, almost a month again since my last message...I really am bad at this! A big thankyou to everyone who's sent me birthday wishes on Facebook or email - I have read them all and just don't have time to reply, but I am very thankful to have such lovely friends who take the time to write! Today has been an interesting birthday - the morning was quite stressful as it's also Jackie's and Ryan from DTS's birthday too, so I had to finish icing their cakes and deliver their presents (I am as disorganised as ever and didn't finish baking the cakes til 11 last night...) and it was all a rush to do that in between breakfast and cooking - the only way i could ensure my favourite food on my birthday was to stay on the base, so I asked to be on the rota for chapati-making this morning. So now i'm exhausted...but I got my chapati and beans!!!

Lots has happened in the last few weeks - one of the girls moved into Mary's house, so Mary's pretty much doing ministry 24-7 now, and another volunteer has showed up to help - a guy called Godfrey who did his DTS in 2006 and knows Mary well through his mum. They've been going to the bars in the evenings and have found 3 new girls to begin working with, so it's all go.
Our Year for God co-ordinator, Caroline, has come to visit this week, and it's great to have her around - I didn't realise how great it feels to have someone here for the sole purpose of visiting me and Katy! It's all a bit hectic though with all the birthdays - we babysat for April so she could have dinner with Masiu on Sunday, then it was Msaki's yesterday and the 3 of us (Jackie, Ryan and me) today, so there have been cakes galore...i'm so glad not to have to make any cakes tonight! Katy made mine yesterday and we're also making chips tonight...if i ever get back from town! talking of which, i should go now...

more news to come, it's been such a busy time that i haven't had time to update this page, and now there's a backlog of news. such is life...

hope y'all are well : )

Happy Easter!

I can't quite believe the time has gone so fast - it seems like yesterday that I was sitting in the internet cafe in Arusha typing a Christmas message! It's 5.15am, I've been up for a while taking advantage of a speedier internet connection (when too many people are on the wireless network, it takes forever) and waiting for 6 when we'll set out carrying our cross up the hill behind the base. It'll be a taste of home - except the road up the hill is slightly different from Sutton High Street....slightly fewer people, more trees and monkeys...unless we're allowed to walk through the school that's up at the top, which would be good - we can invite them to join in!

The last couple of weeks have been an interesting learning experience - somehow I'm still not fully able to trust God with my life and the lives of those closest to me, even though He's always proved His faithfulness. I was worried not only about my gran's health, but also about the decision I had to make in either staying here or flying over to Austria to be with them - I wasn't sure if the family would be upset that I was "too religious" to give up the work here even when one of them was in hospital, but I didn't feel God's peace about coming! As ever, He worked it all out anyway - why do i worry?! Nobody wanted me to come home for just a few weeks, as it would have been a waste of money, and they also weren't expecting me to cut the year short....so as long as my gran stays stable, it's ok for me to stay here! Please continue to pray for her though, as her left side is still paralysed and i'm not sure she's even doing the exercises, or is able to do them....

Other than that, I've also been learning more about the brain - how it develops and functions for emotional control, and how we end up with addictions. This week's topic is sexual addictions, and it's been completely eye-opening as I never understood what drives people to become addicted to pornography, what makes people have affairs and even abuse children. So often we''re told that these people are evil or that it's their own fault - but what if they really want to stop, and can't? Paul writes about this in Romans 7:14-15, where he talks about being a slave to sin and instead of doing the good that we want to do, we end up doing the evil we hate. Hearing from some addicts' testimonies, it strikes me that we judge far too quickly - nobody is born evil, because we are made in God's image and are therefore good...it's what happens during life, even in the first few years that we have no memory of, that can either develop or damage our brains and set us up for healthy relationships or dysfunctional ones. Maybe we don't talk about these things enough, and many people don't get the help they need to begin recovery and start again.

Today is the day we celebrate Jesus's ultimate sacrifice for all of us, the day He defeated all sin and death. That doesn't mean sin isn't still around - but we can now overcome it with Jesus' help! But need to face up to the fact that we will always be sinners, and we need each others' support in our individual struggles.

still alive.... : )

I just realised it's been a while since I last wrote anything. And now I don't have much time! I'm feeling very stressed-out at the moment since I learnt my gran had a stroke on the weekend - it's so hard being so far away and not really knowing what's going on...I just want to be over in Austria with my family! Please pray for her recovery, and also that I'd have peace about either staying here or going over to visit - I don't know what to do!

The last couple of weeks I've been joining in with class at the ABC (Addictive Behaviour Counselling) school, as they have "open weeks" for the topics of Trauma and Sexual Addictions - exactly what Mary and I need to learn more about for the work with the prostitutes. It's been really interesting and eye-opening - half of it has been recognising just how messed-up we are ourselves!
Not much else is happening - I haven't been out to Mbiko in a while again, which is just as well, as I don't have much energy at the moment - just going to class takes it out of me! I'm so thankful for this lovely open base I'm on, where there are lots of quiet places to be alone, and also for having a room to myself this week - Rachel has gone up to Pader to the IDP camp again, to see how the people there are getting on since the teams from South Africa and Scotland left.

That's all for now.... : )

Not much to tell...

Hi everyone,

just wanted to write a brief update even though i don't feel like there's that much to tell, not that that's ever stopped me before :-p

the last couple of weeks i've been dividing my time between helping with the new DTS and the work in Mbiko. DTS involved mainly joining in with the staff prayer meetings and spending time getting to know the students, sitting in on their classes and introductions and joining in with their work duty and games. i've also managed to spend a fair amount of time in the kitchen as usual...how does that always happen?! at least i know what i'm doing there - it's nice to have one familiar job in the midst of all the chaos!
most of the Mbiko work has been meetings for discussing what's going on, making a schedule and writing a newsletter (still not completed! it involves photos...need i say more?!) although i did get to meet 3 other girls last thurs and learnt to make paper beads for necklaces. it was fun! next week should be more active on the Mbiko side and less with DTS - i'm looking forward to that, to getting to spend more time with the girls and getting to know them, as it's supposed to be my primary commitment.

one fun thing i got to do last weekend was have a "german day" and experience Austria in the middle of Uganda! i made friends with a German girl called Monika who's one of the South Africa DTS team doing outreach on Namiti, one of the Buvuma Islands (out in Lake Victoria) and she invited me to meet her friends from her home church, who are working in Mukono (on the way to Kampala). The friends are a retired couple working with an Austrian/German project that's building schools - they already have a big primary school and vocational training schools for carpentry, brickmaking/building, pottery and tailoring. The place is beautifully laid out and maintained, and the staff house is even decorated Austrian-style, complete with a wooden dining table and corner benches...and the husband is a baker, there to help build the bakery, and he gave us some fresh-baked "Nusszopf" (sweet nut stollen-type bread) which is my favourite!! it was so fun getting to speak german for a whole day, to meet such lovely people and to experience the beautiful setting...a great cure for homesickness!!

ok, that's all for now or i'll be late back yet again...and i want to get all my little jobs done tonight so i can relax tomorrow!

hope y'all are well,

love alex : )

still alive!

Hey everyone, sorry for the long delay in writing...no good excuse, i've just been too lazy! when we got back from TZ i just felt so tired and emotional that i wanted to hide out in my room - unfortunately, i had lots of odd jobs i'd promised to do so ended up keeping busy enough to remain worn out until the last couple days of my "holiday", and only managed to feel bored for half a day before it was time to begin the next chapter of my year here!

In case i never mentioned this, we flew back from Kilimanjaro airport - God provided us with money through Katy's dad and some of her sponsors, and we had enough for all 8 of us to fly! It was amazing watching the sun rise over Mt Kilimanjaro and Mt Meru (the mountain close to Arusha town) as we drove to the airport in the back of Pastor's pickup truck - it has to be one of my best memories so far! Then we also got a closeup of Kilimanjaro as we flew past it in our tiny plane....i'm hoping to get hold of katy's photos at some point, you can see them on facebook or on her website though.

So, since Monday I have been trying to find myself work to fill the week - i am supposed to be mainly working with Mary who befriends and counsels prostitutes in a town named Mbiko, the other side of the Nile from Jinja. The overall aim is to get the girls out of prostitution and into other jobs, so Mary visits them at home and at work, holds crafting sessions to teach them new skills, and invites them to her home for tea and fellowship, and some of them come to Bible studies she holds. Sarah from America was working with Mary til she went back home in December, and now Mary's been on her own again for the last couple of months. I had a meeting this morning with Mary and Sandra who's the overall team leader for ToRCH ministries (Together Restoring Community Hope) and felt a bit overwhelmed at the vast amount of effort required in helping the girls transition back to a "normal" life - it's such a long process, and i probably won't be able to see much change in the 6 months i'm here, but i feel it's the right thing for me to work with, and i'm sure even that in itself will do me good - i'm so impatient and so used to visibly seeing the effects of my work (when a cow is milked, her udder is empty, when a calf is fed it lies down happily, when a yard is swept it's clean!!) so it will be "character building" to work towards something that i have to just trust is having some effect somewhere!

From what we were discussing today, it didn't seem there'd be much free time, but if there is, i'm hoping to help staff the DTS which is beginning on Monday - there are 39 students this time, in slight contrast to our 6, and only 1 extra staff member so far. 12 of the students are westerners, so i hope i can help support them - as lovely and understanding as the African staff are, they will never completely be able to see things from a western viewpoint, just as i will never fully understand their viewpoint, so it should help to have one staff member who's from the west, even if i am only part-time and hardly ever there!!
The American girls who have arrived so far are amazing - they are really sweet and fun, and have already got stuck in to helping serve food and clean chairs....it really challenged me how unafraid they are to chat away to everyone as if they've been here for years - i always feel so nervous when i'm new, and other teams that have come in have also been much more reclusive. if they keep this up, the next 3 months are gonna be great fun!

that's all for now folks, talk to you again soon....thanks again for any emails i havent managed to reply to, i am trying much much harder now that i'm passing through town more often, it's just the usual dodgy internet problems but at least i'm replying to some now!

oh, how could i forget? Peninah cow had her baby last night - a little bull calf! how could i almost forget the bovine news....?!

love alex

stranded in TZ!

Hey everyone,
once again my internet time is short so i'll try and be brief...
if you haven't heard, there is rioting in Kenya following presidential elections that had been rigged - so the borders were closed for about a week around New Year. Although the borders are now open and several buses have gone safely through to Uganda, there are rumours of vehicles being burnt and we know that the roads aren't very safe still as they pass through some of the areas where demonstrations are going on....so after a week of hoping that tomorrow might be safe to travel, we began to explore the option of flying, and despite each air ticket being more than we could afford, the money has been found!! If ever in the future I am in doubt that God's bank is huge and He always provides, I will remember this time - I was wondering how many tickets i could buy with my year's budget, but even before we sat down to dinner last night we'd had news that several people had pledged to give us the money - no way was i expecting provision to come so fast, when we only began to think about flying yesterday!
Please still pray though, as although the money is there, we can only access the remainder of the balance tomorrow, and also we haven't actually made the journey yet!! after so many days of hoping that today or tomorrow would be the day we leave, i'm having a hard time believing it to really be true. we're not at all in a bad place - we are safe, we have freedom to move around and get to town (as you can see by this post!) and the church people are lovely and it's great to spend more time with them - it's just that the time has come to get home to Jinja, and we've been itching to go since before our designated leaving date anyway, so the last week has felt like months!!

on a lighter note, i have experienced many things in this bonus week - we were invited to an amazing dinner by a rich lady who not only fed us chicken, chapati and a delicious veg soup which also contained peas (havent seen them since leaving uk!) but also ICE CREAM!!!!!!!
twas fantabulous....
i have also learnt to scrub blackened cooking pots with grass and mud (open fires make pans black, we have to use firewood now as have run out of charcoal and it's expensive...the mud and grass i cannot explain, but it works!!!)
ooh gotta go, time is up!