Uganda debrief begins...

I've been back home in Sutton for just over 2 weeks now, and am slowly beginning to process what happened over the last year. I feel like I was never fully able to put into words exactly what I was feeling and going through for much of my time out there - sometimes because I couldn't figure it out myself - sometimes this was because I didn't want to, I didn't want to face whatever it was that I was struggling with.
Last night I was mulling over something our Assistant Pastor said in church the other week, about identity - it really struck me as something I thought I'd learnt during my time in Uganda...I thought I'd successfully found my identity in God out there due to all other aspects of my normal earthly identity being stripped away. Out there, all things familiar were missing - family, friends, church, job, surroundings, language (most Ugandans do speak English, but a very different version than we do! and i felt a pressure to learn the local languages, which seemed impossible)...the way they did simple everyday things like cleaning and cooking were so alien and difficult to master. Even the hot, muggy climate and the skirts we had to wear were a real challenge. And I felt useless, spoilt, a horrible overprivileged westerner. And yet, despite feeling like a lone person stranded on a weird island with nothing to do, no clue of how to act or be remotely useful, God was still with me. He still desired my company and He still loved me. I think, in those moments, that I had a true glimpse of what it means to be a child of God, what it means to cling to Him because there's nothing else. But I didn't like what it took to get me there!!
Although initially I began to find my feet and learn this new way of life, and to see the culture and the people through God's eyes, appreciating all the differences and accepting them, valuing them, was a constant effort. After DTS was over, I was so exhausted and just wanted to give up for a while, to turn inwards and create my own little world where nothing was required of me and I could just rest and be alone. Ultimately, I became selfish. I rejected the culture, believing my own western way of life was superior and looking forward to coming home because that's where church was done "properly", where people behaved "acceptably", spoke English the "right" way...I didn't want to make the effort in appreciating the variety of God's creation, I just wanted to go home. I thought I was doing the right thing in staying, knowing that God had called me to spend a full year there - but I didn't face up to the fact that He hadn't called me to just be there and do the bare minimum - He wanted me to experience Ugandan life in all its fullness, to see their way of life through His eyes and love it with His heart. I missed out on so many things that He wanted to offer me, just because I thought I knew best and wanted an easy life. Instead of enjoying more time getting to know the people around me, and investing in them fully, I craved the hours I could spend with my nose in a book, or watching a movie...and I craved junk food more than ever, especially peanut butter - of all the ridiculous things to become addicted to, why that, i'll never know!
I even learnt about escapism and addictions as I had the privilege of attending some of the Addictive Behaviour Counselling School's classes as training for the prostitute ministry I was part of. And yet, I chose to love my sin and reject God - instead of coming to Him with my burdens, and accepting His rest as He asks us to in Matthew 11:28, I chose to go to my fictional worlds and my comfort food, which are in no way adequate gods!
Ultimately, I failed in so many aspects of my year's mission - I'd gone out there with the goal of learning instant obedience, and of allowing the Holy Spirit more of my heart so He could heal the pain I still feel from the loss of my sister. Instead, I hid behind my pain and used it as an excuse - when most of my struggles were never really to do with Eli anyway, they were to do with my own selfishness and lack of willingness to put God first and do His will when He asked more difficult things of me. I might have learnt to surrender more of myself during the first 5 months, but when I became tired I gave up and never fully repented - never completely turned my heart around and genuinely wanted to come back to Him.
But I wanted to share all this because I believe God wants us to be real, and open ourselves up to expose all the cracks that we cover up so well. Everyone thinks I did amazing things out there in Uganda, and maybe I did let God use me a bit, maybe I did touch some people's lives, but I know that ultimately it was a real struggle and that I failed - that I am a weak human being and not a hero by any stretch of the imagination. And I wanted to use this experience to testify that our God is still a God of second chance, who loves us so much that even when we fail catastrophically, He provides a way out. I have failed miserably, yet I now have another chance to learn from these failures and try again - to assess what went wrong and try to avoid it next time. As much as I love my pride and hate admitting my weaknesses, I have a chance to open myself up and expose them, to tell those who know me that yes, I had a peanut-butter addiction and yes, I am ridiculous but at least I have killed off some of my pride by admitting to that, and God still loves me and I won't feel like a fraud anymore by hiding my flaws.
And although I thought I'd figured it all out, that I'd finally learnt how to ground my identity in my Maker, it turns out that I'm still only a step along the journey. When I first came home I felt so weird, like a non-person who had no character of their own, because I felt defined by the person I was and the things I'd been doing in Uganda. It wasn't until I got my car back, went back to work and had some freedom and somthing useful to do again that I felt I could connect with God and be grateful. So I've now come to realise that too much of my identity is still in what I do, where I belong on Earth and who likes me. And I can never be truly useful to God if I cling to that too tightly - I will never fully surrender myself to Him and allow Him full rein to work through me if I look to the things around me instead of into His face.
So here I am, starting again. And I will continue to fail, to start again, to grow in this painful process until my time on Earth is done. But that's ok. I think I'm ready again!